Par 4 The Course

F-ck Usain Bolt!

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 14:00:50 -0400

F-ck Usain Bolt!

"Try not to curse, it hurts the verse / it proves that you got strong lack of better words / But..."

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 13:30:54 -0400

“Try not to curse, it hurts the verse / it proves that you got strong lack of better words / But sometimes nothing can replace a “cunt” / Just turn up the bass and go face the front.”

- Slug of Atmosphere, ‘Secret’ (The Fun EP)

“You try fuck on me?!” … Direct result of Joe...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 19:43:58 -0400

“You try fuck on me?!” … Direct result of Joe Biden’s attempts on improving relations between the US and China.

“We’re talking about practice. We’re talking...

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 20:05:12 -0400

“We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice.”

The One-Hundred Rope Cumshot (2/10)

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 05:54:47 -0400

#11-20 courtesy of RJ Endozo. I’ve actually had these since last September. Finally getting all up into it now.

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11. Twilight Saga. I’m a fan of True Blood and even though there’s tons of gay vampires on that show, Twilight is about 100x gayer.

12. Fliggers. This title is subjective and to varying degrees. I don’t see myself as one, but others might. What it comes down to is that we’re all products of our surroundings and if we’re a certain way, we’re like that for a reason. Do I agree with the more extreme cases of this? No, I think its a little silly. But probably because I can’t relate. I can’t hate on someone just because we’re different. Laugh, maybe. But not hate. I’m not like you, RJ.

13. Cricket.The national sport of Sri Lanka. I’d love to find someone willing to teach me how to play. I sometimes see groups of Indian people playing at the park and they seem to be having a blast. And the people I see playing on TV have cool outfits.

14. Shakespear.Respect it, but I’m not a huge fan. In fact, I took an English class based on Shakespear and ended up dropping it after two weeks. It’s not that I don’t understand it. But its like reading in a second language and takes a little bit more time to comprehend.

15. The Holy Roman Empire. Can empirialism really ever be considered ”holy”?

16. Bengal Tigers. This makes me think about an old word puzzle about the names of NFL teams. The question/clue was “Used to be girls”. Answer: Ben-Gals… get it? I always wondered why lions were considered the king of the jungle when I’m pretty sure a tiger could whoop a lion’s ass.

17. Pyramids: man made or left by aliens?Man. I believe that we are not alone and there are other forms of intelligent life in the universe but if they were here and decided to leave behind buildings, where are they now? Why take off without destroying the evidence or coming back to get it?

18. Blondes vs. Redheads. Hot redheads exist but you never have to qualify a woman’s looks with “pretty hot for a blonde” like you would sometimes have to for a redhead. Plus redheads come with freckles. So blondies, yes please. Mmm. Makes me think about Applebees.

19. George Clooney. Handsome muthafucker.

20. Foreign accents.It’s like saying “big boobs”. It depends on who its on. It can be a bonus at most but it won’t make or break someone. If an old, ugly, fat chick had big boobs, would you want to motorboat her? If a hot British chick didn’t have a nice accent, would you want to bone her any less? Exactly. Sometimes a chick can be hot and her boobs are too big. Sometimes an accent can be ugly, or too thick… It all depends.

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I feel bad for this chick because she’s going to die alone...

Sat, 11 Jun 2011 02:33:13 -0400

I feel bad for this chick because she’s going to die alone surrounded by hundreds of cats.

zaydian:

Meoww.

I find this hard to masterbate too =/

-anonymous

The One-hundred Rope Cumshot (1/10)

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 04:08:00 -0400

I’ve asked ten people for ten random subjects that they would like my opinion on. Here’s installment #1, courtesy of Carlo Casuga.

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1. Hockey>NFL>MLB>NBA. Strongly disagree.Based on the percentage of the season I pay attention to each sport, the order is as follows: NFL: Entire regular and post season, NBA: Most of regular season and all of playoffs, MLB: August-October but only until the Giants are mathematically eliminated OR Yankees v. Red Sox in the post season. NHL: Only when the Sharks are past the first round of the playoffs and there’s nothing better on.

2. Iconia. It’s like a iPad / Laptop hybrid. Looks cool but I don’t think it will catch on. You don’t need two touch screens, especially if it seems like one is going to be used for mostly menus and a keyboard. Plus, nothing can replace the efficiency of a real keyboard.

3. Future Tech (after Kinect). I don’t think that holographic imaging is in the near future. I think that idea might explored a little bit but will soon die. A lot like 3-D movies in the 70’s and 80’s. However, a few decades down the line it will be something that is revisited with better technology. A lot like 3-D movies now. Will it last? Who knows. I don’t have any intention of buying a 3-D television set.

4. Remifications of human cloning. Have you seen the movie Multiplicity?

5. MMORPGs.I’ve never got into it, but they look to be very addictive. If I was more of a gamer and didn’t like real life interaction as much as I do, I might get hooked to something like this. I’ve seen it eat up a lot of my friends’ social lives, so I’m not really interested. But then again I said the same thing about ecstasy until I tried it.

6. NES Comeback. The nostalgic value of video games is cool but I don’t think that technology from 25 years ago can “come back”.

7. Home school. No. No. No. No. I understand the reason people do this, but I don’t think its fair to the children. Home schooling deprives them of valuable social interaction with their would-be peers as well as a chance to develop their own personalities and opinions. You’ve got to be a real control freak of a parent to do this to your child, and that’s bullshit.

8. Pong. If we’re talking about table tennis, I’d play for hours if I could. Light-weight sandpaper paddles favor my style of play. If we’re talking about the ping pong show in Thailand, I’m down with that too. The classic video game was a tad before my time, so I’m leaning towards ‘no’ for that.

9. Obama. It’s been a couple years and I’m really surprised that no one’s tried to kill him yet. Not that he deserves it. I think he’s doing great considering what he was left with. I don’t like conservative thinking so I’ll be pressing ‘re-elect’ button when it comes time.

10. Mexicans. I used to call them “the kind that can” because they CAN do stuff (i.e gardening, handy work, sell fruit on the side of the road, make awesome tacos). They reproduce fast. If you want to know what makes them tic, ask Jose. I’m sure he will provide you with a list. I’m almost certain beans and rice are on there, but I can’t verify that. I’m not being racist. I’m just saying.

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TIE Advanced

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 01:37:12 -0400

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I could have sworn that I saw one of these landing at Moffet Field the other day. It was in metallic blue rather than gray but in absolute horrible shape. It was making a weird clanking sound on the approach. One of the wings was practically going to fall off as it approached the runway a low speeds. I tried to pull out my phone to take a picture but it was out of view by the time I clicked. Fighting rebels in space? I don’t know. But I know what I saw.

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Postoperative Self-Learning

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 02:06:05 -0400

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As you may or may not know, I’ve recently had foot surgery that will have me on crutches for about 3 weeks. Apparently, the doctor’s office doesn’t tell you everything you’ll need to know to maintain normalcy after surgery. Here’s a short list of things I’ve had to learn for myself:

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1. Scratching.Chopsticks are not always long enough to get the job done. I’ve had to cut a skinny stick down to about 2 feet in order to get into the deeper parts of the cast. This will vary on everyone, so you’ve got to learn what angles to take to reach the desired places. A lot of the time, calf-end is the way to go, however, you’ll find that anything on the top or heel of your foot is easier to access from the toe-side.

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2. Advanced level crutching.You’ll learn exact places where you need to stand that will allow you to use the bottom of your crutch to turn off the light switch. Also, leading feet first on a step is a lot safer than going crutch first. Although you can’t cover as much distance, you’ll find that sideways crutching down some hallways can be kinder on your elbows and items around you that may fall as you pass by. Every task becomes a journey. Most of the time, you’ll need 2 crutches to make the journey, but in some situations you’ll discover that packing light will be a better choice. Example: Pouring a drink. It’s not easy to hold a carton of milk with a crutch on each fist.

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3. Pissing while standing.You might think that sitting is easier, you’re wrong. Getting up and down without putting weight on your foot is very difficult without throwing your entire body weight onto the fragile porcelain. Thankfully, I had been doing a lot of single-leg calf raises prior to my surgery. This has allowed me to balance on my left and pissing with little to no splashing. It’s not perfect, so I’d still take a quick once over on the rim with a piece of TP, especially if your postoperative experience requires you to do #4.

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4. Two-finger diet.This is to deal with the nausea resulting from anesthesia. I’ve done this before under different circumstances, but I’ve never been a pro at it until now. Things to remember: Wash your hands and gargle with water before you start. If you use the toilet, wipe it clean ahead of time. When you feel something coming up, breathe out so it exits your mouth and not into your nasal passage or back down your esophagus. Timing is everything. If you do it too early, you’ll get a lot of dry-heaves. Wait until you’re at the point when you’re drooling. It’s like your body’s way of lubricating itself before you vomit. The more you do it, the harder it will be to get yourself to gag. You’ll have to figure out where your go-to spots are in the back of your throat. I’d try not to go too deep because who knows what kind of damage you can do back there if you didn’t cut your nails short enough. You’re better off sticking with the shallow areas in the upper part of your throat. A little side-to-side motion usually does the trick. I’m still having to do this because my digestive system isn’t back to normal yet. HELLO BULIMIA!!

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Deletion / Clinton / Freakout / Depression

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 06:04:19 -0400

I’m sad so I think I need to write. But what about if it will only get deleted? I don’t know how long ago it happened, but when I searched through my home computer to look for some of my old music, it was gone. I don’t know when, or how, or why. All I know is that its not there. Now what? Ask everybody I know that I’ve ever shared any of it with if they still have a copy. Its going to be tough. We’re talking about 150-200 songs dating back from 1995 (when Clinton was in office). They were recorded on casette tape prior to 2001, so I may be able to find the rough copies of the old stuff but it would take me days or even weeks to get them back into digital format since I no longer have the equipment I used to do it with. And all my Audition sessions, original recordings and master copies of the “good stuff”… gone. Those will never come back. I feel so fucking sick to my stomach right now. I want to scream, cry, vommit… this is really all bad. Imagine, 15 years worth of the only thing you were REALLY good at vanishing into thin air as if it had never exsisted in the first place. An audio account of how you’ve changed and matured over the years… nothing. As sappy as this sounds, I lost a part of myself. A part, that will most likely never be replaced. This is obviously a sign for something. I’ve just got to figure it out, I guess. Should this mark an end, or is it a sign that I need to make more? My best work came from when I was most heartbroken. And I’m heartbroken.

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Latest Line (never too soon)

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 03:32:00 -0500

From the time/date stamp on this post, it should be clear that all news regarding the catastrophic events taking place in Japan and the Pacific rim are preliminary at best. Based on what I’ve seen on TV over the last 2 hours, I opened the line for under/over at 8,000. However, even though I don’t agree, I’ve been told that that number is a little low. Therefore, I’m considering inching up towards 10,000 based on the fact that people would imagine the worst since there’s still so much uncertainty about it all right now. Maybe I’m wrong. But if you want to place a wager, let me know. No juice. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for profiting off others’ misfortune.

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My prayers go out to everyone impacted by these tragic events. I’m just trying to make light of a really serious situation.

Halfway Between

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 03:35:00 -0500

There was a night last week that I didn’t sleep. At least, I don’t think I did. From 3am to 6:45am, I lay in bed staring at the back of my eyelids but fully aware of every one of my son’s nighttime whines and every whoosh of wind against the windows behind me. My level of tired was barely edged out by my level of restlessness, as I kept thinking about my day as a zombie that lie ahead. If I shut down completely, I may not wake up until well after the start of my shift. There was a little comfort in the fact that at least I was in bed (or on the couch rather), and even though my brain was working graveyard, at least my body wasn’t.

But there I was; me, a little white noise, and whole lot of thought. Dialog mostly. The left side of my head was 40-something year old Caucasian woman with a raspy voice. I didn’t see her face, but I could tell she had a nappy head of gray hair based on the way she sounded. She was an elementary school teacher, and you could tell that she really wanted to have an intelligent conversation with 19-20 year old version of me on the right side, but she had been programed to talk to everyone as if they were a child. I humored her for about a REM cycle, but I had to move on when I realized that half of my inner monologue had been female. Not that I’m sexist, it just kind of freaked me out a bit.

Then more thoughts about work. I was the 4th person in. The other three were the same person (who will go unnamed). It was them, but my “logic” kept having to remind itself that this was not possible, so it assumed that the other two were her cousins… and all of which were evil. Now this is one of the few points of the night that the visuals were crystal clear. Still in the very dim light of my inner eyelid, the three identical faces slowly morphed into their true, demonic form. Each was different, but none less grotesque than the next. Teeth grew long and sharp, hairlines receeded sideways behind the ears, the one in the front grew some weird zebra/tirger-striped sideburns. And the changes were continuous. It didn’t just stop, their faces kept getting more horrific by the second. I knew I could open my eyes at any moment and the visual would come to an abrupt halt, but really wanted to see where this was going. Unfortunately, my mind was moving far too fast for me to dictate what happened next, so everything went dark once again.

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I wasn’t sure if time was standing still or moving extremely fast. I’d try to open my eye to take a glance at the Comcast box but all I could see was an orange LED blur, not sure if it was a 3 or a 5. But I was about 89% sure that I wasn’t asleep. Even though I didn’t trust it, my mind had its own way of telling time. Pulsating constantly, but at varying rates of speed. Some simultaneously, some not even felt, but rather seen as flashes of slightly lighter shades of gray in the inner lining of my forehead. I’m not sure if it was my heartbeat, or my eyeballs twitching, a combination of both. Or perhaps none of the above, but it was fucking awesome. Every thought that ran though my head was fascinating but incomplete, resetting itself after every tick. Everything was in gray-scale. Waves became checkers, checkers became waves. Solids shapes became liquid, or what I’d imagine liquid to be at its most molecular level. It was like someone was trying to put the intersect in my head with an old black and white TV and no pictures (Chuck reference). At this point, I knew I was halfway there, the thin sheet of tissue paper that separated the conscious from the subconscious. And I tread across the fragile surface for the rest of my unsleep in complete satisfaction with what transpired in the wee hours of the morning.

Dawn broke, and shades of blue made way through the angles of the vertical blinds. I knew it was time to go. It wasn’t too hard to peel myself off the sheets because, after all, I hadn’t really fallen asleep to begin with. And there started my day. I may have dozed off a few times after the 5-hour Energy wore thin, but each was a reminder of an amazing trip to the halfway between I hope to go again… that last line might have been a little too poetic.

This was removed from YouTube for violating Terms of Service....

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 12:16:03 -0500

This was removed from YouTube for violating Terms of Service. It’s just a boy dressed in drag, dancing to Christina… c’mon now. We’ve all done it!

Cry Rape, Cry Wolf

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 03:00:17 -0500

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Because on the day the government is overthrown, the first thing I’m going to do is celebrate by gang raping a white girl. Yep, that’s exactly what was going through the mind of a Egyptians as they mobbed through Tahrir Square after Hosni Mubarak was removed from presidency. Lara Logan was just trying to do her job and report the news. She’s relatively young and good looking, why would she try to fabricate such a horrible story to try to make a name for herself? Yeah. And her background doesn’t have any evidence to support this type of behavior, whatsoever. Fuckin’ Google it!

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(end sarcasm)

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I mean, REAL TALK: Rape is a bad thing. Maybe even worse than murder in some ways. But I don’t think this ever took place. Furthermore, I think that falsely accusing someone of rape should be punishable by… well, rape. So Lara, I hope you’re limber. Because in a perfect world, you’d have about 200 sandy-ass Pharaoh dicks coming/cumming your way in the very near future.

Dueling Swords!!!!!

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 14:10:00 -0500

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My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.

… Prepare to die.

Question of the Night

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 05:05:41 -0500

I’m sorry if this comes off a little sexist or prejudice, but it’s been in my head all evening: If you were playing pick-up basketball, would you rather have one retarded dude that can shoot decently but talks too much and doesn’t play defense OR two chicks of relatively below average skill that can play fundamentally sound ball? When I say relatively below average, I mean decent for a female but they can’t really keep up with the guys they are guarding.

Sharks (Sorry, no NHL here)

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:23:00 -0500

FUN FACT: Gilbert Arenas spends $80,000 a year on food and a keeper for his sharks. (Yahoo! Sports)

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8 Famous Mollys

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 03:19:00 -0400

Molly the Mail Lady - Sesame Street character played by Charlotte Rae (aka Mrs Garrett from ‘The Facts of Life’)

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Molly Ringwald - Actress, Pretty in Pink / Sixteen Candles / Breakfast club / etc.

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Good Golly Miss Molly - Rock N’ Roll song by Little Richard (1958)

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Molly - The yellow tender engine from Thomas & Friends

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Molly Malakias - Malaysian Beauty Queen

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The Unsinkable Molly Brown - Historical character played by Kathy Bates in the 1997 movie Titanic.

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Molly Sims - Sports Illustrated swimsuit model

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Molly Shannon - actress / comedian / writer for Saturday Night Live

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Molly - street name for pure MDMA, an illegal substance

I’m not make-believe. I’m not just some anecdotal...

Mon, 31 May 2010 03:13:46 -0400

I’m not make-believe. I’m not just some anecdotal story made for your amusement. I’m real. And I’m cumming for you. Yes, you!

21 Questions: Not Quite a 50 Cent Tribute.

Thu, 20 May 2010 03:49:00 -0400

To commemorate the 7-year anniversary of rapper 50 Cent’s release of the single “21 Questions” I’ve decided to pose 21 questions to my small readership while sitting in the sauna at Supersport. I’m not getting out until I finish, so they might seem less and less interesting as I go. Here we go:

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1. Is a personal massager the same thing as a sex toy?

2. Is it normal to want to correct people that sing/rap song lyrics incorrectly?

3. Were chicken mcnuggets better when they contained dark meat?

4. Do ALL fat kids really love cake?

5. Why did the guy next to me just mumble “keep it pimpin’ ya understand”?

6. Am I addicted to pain meds just because I enjoy them for recreational use?

7. If your ass is sweaty, would you rather wipe it with a Kleenex or with your underwear?

8. Why do chose to wear these bright ass red Crocs to the gym?

9. What was the last thing Michael Jackson was thinking before he died?

(omg it hot… 12 more.)

10. What’s the big deal about this Whitman/ Poizner primary when it’s clear that we need a Democrat in the governor’s office?

11. Are there really 6 million ways to die?

12. That seems excessive. Can I chose more than one?

13. How many licks does it take to get that old Lil Kim/Tyrese song out of my head right now?

14. Why did I wear my glasses to the gym when I knew I was gonna hit the sauna?

15. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

16. Milkshake or smoothie?

17. Why can’t I think of any good questions?

18. Would it be wrong if I stepped outside for 30 seconds?

(breathe)

19. At what ratio does a party officially become a sausagefest?

20. Have I not been saying that the Lakers were going to sweep?

21. Have you seen my baseball?

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Done. 18 minutes… Um, 17 1/2 if we count me bitching out at Q18.